A Bipartisan Press Release For When the Supreme Court Announces Its Affordable Care Act Decision

While D.C. borders on getting all wee-weed (remember that?) over the Supremes' any-day-now ruling on the constitutionality of the Affordable Care Act, Dems and Republicans alike are intensely scenario planning. The Disease Management Care Blog is no expert at that sort of political jujitsu, but it suspects that in addition to teeing up the talking points, news conferences and interviews, some sort of press release will be necessary.

Knowing how busy both the White House and the House Speaker's office are dealing with other pressing business, like sponsoring multiple bills that have no hope of passage, the patriotic DMCB is pleased to do its part. It offers a partisan but "generic" and plug n' play press release that explains a lot of what's been going on. This novel release can be put out on the wire within minutes of the coming Supreme Court's decision:

(Select one) From The White House  or Speaker of the House
Office of the Press Secretary
______________________________
For Immediate Release

[Select: President Obama/Speaker Boehner] Use Astrophysics To Praise Supreme Court Affordable Care Act Ruling

WASHINGTON, DC - Today [select one: President Obama/Speaker Boehner] reacted to the Supreme Court's ACA ruling with the following statement:

"While today's U.S. Supreme Court's ruling was not what the American people wanted, I want my fellow citizens to know that, while we will abide by the decision, the large majorities of Americans in the many parallel universes who support my party's position are benefiting from a different Court decision as I speak to you today."

"In addition to having travelled all over the United States, I and my staff have spent considerable time in alternate time-space realities where there are hundreds of millions of other Americans in the multiverse. They have agreed with my party's agenda. There are also dozens of Supreme Court Justices such as [select: Nancy Pelosi/Newt Gingrich] who have upheld the jurisprudence contained in the closed information loops on this version of planet Earth."

Thanks to the success of the [select: President's/Speaker's] novel approach to splitting quarks to convert dark matter to antienergy, he can now go beyond the simple legal and political pseudorealities of this universe and tap the wisdom of other pseudorealities. For example, in one universe, where bicoastal California and New York [select: are the only states that exist/don't exist], the [select: President/Speaker] noted "This decision puts the momentum for the fall elections on our side. We don't have to talk to anyone and care about their opinions."
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As an aside, after hearing an erudite webinar on health reform, checking with Intrade and communing with the prognostication spirits, the DMCB **predicts** that the Supreme Court will overturn the Affordable Care Act's individual mandate provision.  That's because

1) oral arguments suggested the Justices have serious concerns with it, but more importantly...

2) striking down only the mandate means leaving the rest of the law intact. The gives something to everyone, which

3) preserves the reputation of the Court, which is also being increasingly painted as partisan.